I like people

One of the most rewarding things about blogging has been reading other people’s blogs. I have followed a few over the years but I wasn’t often getting the authenticity or the power that some of these posts have.

I love to read and my favourite novels are the observational type. You are dropped in the middle of these characters lives and just watch and read and the facts and events are presented without bias or judgment.

I now spend time laughing, crying and most importantly thinking about these posts. Sometimes I leave a comment and sometimes I have no words. I read about their loves and losses and regrets and anger and I am moved.

Teach me about life, make me decide my position on things and then make me look at it from another angle. Remind me of the things I am taking for granted and teach me how to let things go. Anger me so I can decide why I don’t agree with you.

If you were wondering if anyone is listening or if anyone cares, I am and I do.

I used to collect frog figurines but now I collect stories and feelings.

And magnets.

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I wish I

was more domesticated.

had more control over my emotions.

had better time management skills.

was more fulfilled.

could find kick ass high heals that were ridiculously comfortable.

had more patience.

felt less awkward talking to strangers.

could think of something funny to blog about.

Sigh…

Ok… Wait

I am starting to get some feedback on this blog and so far it’s pretty positive. If you are enjoying it – thank you. It’s been a lot of fun. My husband is now my official proofreader and he even said to me last night “this is good writing”. What!?! This guy barely talks. That’s like the pope calling you at home and saying “Hey, how’s it going? Listen, I’m not supposed to say anything but you’re totally getting into heaven. No, I’m not kidding,”

Thing is though I have no idea what I’m doing and I thought I hated writing. Seriously, I don’t even like making grocery lists. I used to pretend to have scurvy to get out of writing assignments in school.

Once when I was a kid I wanted to stay home from school and so I thought I’d pull the whole fake fever scam. I got out the thermometer and placed it directly on the lightbulb. Yup, right on there. I left it for, oh I don’t know, let’s say several minutes and then called my mom and jammed that sucker right in my mouth. Three things happened immediately 1) I burned my mouth 2) the glass broke and the mercury poured into my mouth and 3) I panicked and jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom and jumped in the shower. I thought I was going to be in so much trouble for breaking the thermometer and my 11 year old mind thought if you want to play it cool just take a random shower. So of course my mom was like “Why are you showering – I thought you had scurvy?” I broke down and told her the whole thing. I don’t remember the fall out other than having to replace the thermometer so I must not have swallowed the mercury and died. Isn’t that stuff really bad for you?

So I’m worried, what if I run out of ideas? Suppose in a few weeks I’ll have used up all my creative ideas and I’ll just be this empty shell who can’t think of anything to say. Or that mercury poisoning gets around to finally killing me? So stay tuned people because these ideas could dry up or I could literally die at any moment.

The Internet made me feel bad about myself

It was a quiz about life skills and you checked off all things you could do.

Do your own taxes – check.
Make pasta with out overcooking or undercooking – check.
Build a fire – ummm.
Long division without a calculator – straight up nope.

My score was like 31 out of 100. If there was a zombie apocalypse I would die from something like improperly placing the jack on a car and having my head crushed and/or trying to change a tire instead of just running during a zombie apocalypse.

Stupid internet.

I worry though, I see much of myself in my kids and my daughter definitely inherited my “uh you do it, that looks hard” gene. It’s way easier to assume you know everything and delegate than to try and fail. So now I have to convince my kids to do the hard things and have confidence. Sounds easy right? We’ll guess who’s going to have to learn all the hard things now – me! They already don’t listen when I talk but copy everything I do. So now I have to pretend to know at least 60% of those life skills. So if you are inclined to mock the chubby middle aged lady who is learning to water ski this summer maybe she’s just trying to teach her kids to be fearless, ok?

Wish you were here

Once in a while I am presented with these alternate realities that maybe could have been my life. You know: exotic travel, dream job, marriage that keeps it spark 24/7.

Why do I sometimes feel like I missed out or need something in order to be happy?

I know for me deciding to be happy has been tremendously helpful. I do my best not to watch life through my phone’s 3.5″ screen and take happy breaks and have dance parties or go outside or spend a few minutes getting to know the people in my life better.

I like doing things, really anything, so if you were interested in taking archery or bullfighting courses or dining in the dark (that’s a thing – look it up) I’m your girl.

But still I sometimes lack fulfillment and I used to think, oh poor me, I’ll feel better when the kids are older or when I’ll wear smaller pants or have more money.

But now I think that’s all bullshit. I feel bad because I’m not doing enough for myself or my family or the world. If you think big maybe the small problems won’t have a chance to creep in.

Or what if I had been born in a country or time ravaged by war or was born into a religion, colour or tribe that was persecuted just for existing. What if I was scared to be me? What if I lived in a place that was so scary I wouldn’t have to spend a small fortune going to amusement parks or spend a night hiding behind a pillow watching scary movies?

I live in a beautiful place and am so lucky and there is so much more I have to give so I’m not going to waste time feeling bad anymore.

P.s. This blog will return to being funny.

P.p.s this post was inspired by some of the books we’ve been reading in our book club such as The Poisonwood Bible – Barbara Kingsolver, Little Bee – Chris Cleave and many others also it was inspired by some Facebook friends who post lovely snapshots of their lives that are so different from mine.

P.p.s. I think my problems are bullshit, not your problems. I love Ash Beckham and fully support the Hard = Hard message.

I yam what I yam

There are a lot of things I don’t understand. For instance, I’m not sure exactly what it is that engineers do. Also I have a hard time telling when bacon is done cooking. I’m constantly looking things up and therefore have become that friend that says things like: “Did you know that polar bear’s fur is actually clear tubes filled with air which keeps them warm and helps them float?”. I am also never scared to admit I don’t know things. I wish everyone was like that. Several years ago I was told I “lacked political acuity”. At the time I was like “political whaaa…?” and then hurt because, well, no one likes criticism even if they don’t understand the words being used.

Now, I think it wasn’t meant so much as a criticism but more of an observation or note. He was not wrong though, not only do I lack it, at that point I almost didn’t know it was a thing. So I’m working on learning how to navigate situations where less is more and keeping your cards close to your chest is advantageous. But I kind of wish the rest of the world was working on being more open and honest. I never have a hidden agenda and I say what I mean and I sometimes get my feelings hurt when I don’t get the same in return.

The truth is though – I kind of like that about me.